We Used an Anonymous Donor and If I Could Do It Again, I’d Choose Differently
By Meta Getman
My husband Michael and I used an anonymous egg donor to conceive our
twin girls. At the time it felt like the right decision but now, looking back, I’d
choose to use a donor who we could be in contact with. I’m not ashamed of
our decision. I don’t regret our decision. But I would do it differently if I could.
When we decided to use a donor to have our family in 2015, there was not as
much information at our fingertips regarding donor conceived adults and their
experiences. We were encouraged to be open with our children about being
donor conceived (which we are) but the idea that we would know who our
donor was terrified me.
- I didn’t want to know who she was.
- I didn’t want to worry about “running into her” or seeing someone on the
street and thinking “she looks familiar…maybe she is our donor”. - I was terrified that if we knew who the donor was, it wouldn’t make me
their “real” mom. I felt threatened by her and her existence.
(I share even more about my fears, concerns and learnings on episode 07 of my podcast, Infertility
Crossroads)
Now that I’ve read more, learned more, listened more I know that having the
option of contacting our donor and finding potential siblings is something that
is incredibly important.
The organization We Are Donor Conceived publishes a study every year
where they survey donor conceived people to better understand their feelings,
perspectives, and experiences of being conceived via gamete donation.
In the 2020 survey, they found that when donor conceived persons are told
before the age of three that they are donor conceived it makes them more
likely to experience this part of who they are in a positive way instead of
negative. However, it does not take away the curiosity or desire to know more
about their donor and donor siblings. In addition, the survey was very clear
that donor conceived people do not agree with anonymous donation situations
and 81% of them said they believe anonymous agreements should be
abolished (reference).
As recipient parents, I care deeply about my child’s experience and how my
choices and decisions have an impact on their lives. I am so appreciative of
these donor conceived individuals who are sharing their experiences, even
the hard ones, because it is making it better for future generations of donor
conceived children and their families.
If you used an anonymous donor here are some things you can do to support
your donor conceived children going forward.
1. Tell them early and often that they are donor conceived. This
opens up the lines of communication with your child from the very
beginning and helps to make this a topic you and they feel
comfortable talking about together.
2. Tell them you used an anonymous donor.
3. Listen, listen, listen without judgement. Let them feel what they
are feeling and validate those feelings. No feeling is right or wrong
it just is and it is important to validate and listen to those feelings.
4. Do your own emotional work. Using a donor is filled with loss for
the recipient parents. Until you work through your own stuff, it is
almost impossible to support your children.
5. Do what you can to support your child in finding their donor and/or
donor siblings. Help them get a DNA test, reach to your clinic or
donor bank to see if there is away to contact the donor, etc.
Michael and I made the best decision we could with the information that we
had at the time when we decided on our donor. If I could go back and do it
again I would choose a donor we had the option of contacting. But I can’t go
back, I can only go forward. And as a mama to donor conceived children I
move forward by learning, growing, continuing to do the hard work and
support them the best way I can.
Meta and her husband Michael went through their own infertility challenges and after eight rounds of fertility treatments, achieved their dream of a family through using donor eggs.
Meta is a donor conception coach who helps families who have found themselves facing a journey to parenthood they had never imagined: using donor eggs, donor sperm or donor embryo. Meta helps her clients go from isolation, loneliness, and fear of what’s next to hope, confidence, and excitement for building their families.
In addition to her signature online course and 1:1 coaching, Meta is the host of the podcast Infertility Crossroads. She is a repeat speaker at the RESOLVE Midwest Family Building Summit and founded a community of families who used a donor.
