My biggest piece of advice when talking to prospective parents via donor conception is to hear the experiences of donor conceived people – because babies have a habit of growing into adults, with very big thoughts and feelings. Their experiences matter and it’s our job to do better for the next generation, always, no matter how your child arrives in this world.
The Jefferson Infertility Counseling Conference NEVER disappoints and I must say that the panel of donor conceived people is always a highlight for me. I truly wish that I could bottle it up so I can share it with you in it’s entirety but I’m happy to report that I jotted down notes so you can still have a taste.
Below are my attempts at quoting the panel from this year’s conference. While I tried my hardest to write down every word, identically, these may be off by a word or two here and there. But the sentiment still stands.
This year’s panel was made up of a handful of panelists, both male and female, of varying ages, with both same and opposite sex parents, and represented both donor egg and donor sperm conception. Two of the panelists were Cassandra Adams and Melissa Bornico from the US Donor Conceived Council.
Without further adieu, here’s what they had to say:
“It’s way harder to reconceptualize your idea of family than to have always known.”
“It’s been an incredible journey of self-discovery.”
“It feel like I’ve found my people, that I didn’t have growing up.” – Regarding meeting 1/2 siblings
“There’s no limit to the amount of love and connection that you can have.”
“It’s like being colorblind your whole life but no one telling you that you’re the only one that’s colorblind, and one day being handed glasses that let you see color.” – Regarding late discovery.
“When children feel like something is wrong, they internalize it.”
“Once you make this choice, it’s a lifelong learning experience.” – Regarding parents making the decision to conceive via donor conception; Once you make the decision, you are committing to learning about it the rest of your life. It’s not just a one time decision and a brief window of learning.
“My rebirthday…” – Some DCP acknowledge the date of their discovery as their rebirth date.
“When you lose your trust in your parents, you lose trust in the world.”
“The sense of trust will never be the same again.”
“You have to go back and rebuild every memory.” – Regarding late discovery; Every memory has to be rebuilt under a new lens.
“The secret becomes more important that the person.” “Your secret is more important than your child.”
“It was like meeting myself.”
“Existing in my body my entire life was traumatic.” – Cassandra was raised in the Catholic church and her experience in the church felt very inauthentic. This comment seemed to be directed toward being raised in the Catholic church when she was, in fact, an Ashkenazi Jew.
“My ethnic background was changed for $35.” – I took this to mean that when the donor donated, and received $35 for his sample, the doctor then had the ability to give whatever information that he wanted to the prospective parents. Cassandra Adams found out that she was actually Jewish when she did DNA testing, which changed her whole identity.
“The truth has been worth it… a hundred bajillion times.”
“I felt like a doll in a box; Feeling like they were looking for the donors characteristics.”
“If you wait, you lose out on years of having relationships with these people.” – If you wait to tell your child that they are donor conceived until they are “older,” they’ll miss out on growing up with their siblings – YEARS of knowing their siblings. Another panelist argued against this, stating that his brother had no interest in knowing their genetic siblings. However, it’s still an opportunity for connection and the child can choose to foster those relationships or not, and their interest in connections may change over the years. But it’s just that, their choice.
“We don’t ask our children if they want to meet their grandparents.” – Advocating against child-lead connection with their genetic parents and siblings.
Learning from donor conceived people is one of the greatest windows into the world of your future child. Are you brave enough to look through it?
